Another week, another shot of poison

I do methotrexate every Friday evening.

It is not as bad as last week.  I’m still “out of it” and dizzy and drowsy, but I’m not diaphoretic (sweaty) and my heart isn’t going overtime like last week.

I am having more pain this week.  Knees, elbows, hips, fingers.

I felt weaker in my knees yesterday, stronger today.

It’s like as soon as I take that shot, I can’t be counted on to do anything for the next few days.

Sleep is fragmented, movement is difficult and tenuous at best, fatigue increases 10 fold.

I would say its not worth it, but at the last eye doctors visit, I was improving.  I keep on saying that to myself:

This is working.  This is working.  This is worth it because it is working.

Maybe I should stop thinking of it as poison.  You know, the whole “mind-body” thing. Its kind of hard when there is labels all over the stuff saying “cytotoxin”.  And then knowingly injecting it into your body.

Sometimes having medical knowledge isn’t a good thing.

I am capable of reading all of the medical literature on my condition(s).  Much I have come across isn’t very positive.  There are a lot of vague and anecdotal information.  No hard facts.  Some lines that read “some patients spontaneously go into remission after a few years” or “a third of patients do not require treatment” and “steroids are sometimes all that is needed for a year”.

Well, so far I have obviously needed more than the first line treatment, and it doesn’t look like it is going away any time soon. I would love to wake up one morning and have energy and the spots in front of my eyes gone and to bounce out of bed.

No dice so far.

Maybe I’ll make a goal this week…thinking positive.


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