The Rollercoaster

Up and down.  Up and down.  Throw in a couple of loops just for fun. That’s how I feel my health is right now.  My life.

I have several people, including my husband, who turn to me for advice.  Old friends, people from high school.  I’m on speed dial.  My best advice is to roll with the punches.  Try to see the positive in every situation.  Relax and let things fall into place.

I wish I could follow my own advice.

I’m just disappointed.  I hate being on methotrexate and steroids.  Absolutely hate it.

I get better through out the week as the methotrexate leaves my body.  By Thursday or Friday I can do more, I can move more, I feel slightly normal.

Then Friday comes and I have to take the injection and I tumble back to the abyss.  Being dependent on my husband to help me get to the bathroom.  Forcing myself to eat.  Having no control over falling asleep.  Moving like Frankenstein.  I detest it.

But I actually like having the ability to see my environment.  So I take the poison.

I pushed back my medication schedule this week to celebrate my cousin’s wedding with my extended family.  I actually felt pretty good on Saturday.  Good enough to dance with my daughter.  That was priceless.  I was insanely sore by the time I got home, but my daughter was able to see me functioning in a semi normal fashion.  An emotional high.

So here I sit on a Monday morning.  Feeling like crap.  I can barely move, I feel like I’m going to fall asleep at any minute. But I have things to do today.  I try to look for adjectives to describe how I feel other than “crap”.  So far I have come up with:

  • “leaded limbs”
  • “moving through concrete”
  • “living in the fog”
  • “like there is sludge in my veins”
  • “like the floor keeps on moving” = vertigo
  • “like I’m hungry but the thought of food makes me want to vomit”
  • “like someone else has inhabited your body and is controlling your limbs” = tremors
  • “like you just ran a marathon but you are sitting still” – tachycardia
  • “like someone smeared vaseline on your glasses” – blurry vision from the ocular sarcoid
  • “like I’m 4 months pregnant but there is no baby” – swelling of my stomach from the steroids
  • “like I ate a bag of marshmallows” – swollen face from the steroids
  • “like I am continually shoving my mouth full of cotton” – dry mouth from the meds
  • “so irritable that molecules rubbing against each other drive me insane”

I think that is it for the metaphors.  My brain is shot.  I guess that today is just a bad day.  I had a good day on Saturday, so I guess today is payback.

Positive thoughts:

  • I am alive
  • I am not in pain at the current moment
  • I have a husband that is supportive and loves me
  • I have a family that loves and supports me
  • My family is relatively happy and healthy
  • I have a new zombie book to read and review
  • I am making cookies tonight with my daughter

Hopefully the positive thinking will yield positive results!!

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