Attempting normalcy

I was spared the poison (methotrexate) this weekend because my immune system does not appear to be doing its job, as evidenced by a rash on my torso.  I thought without the side effects caused by the chemo, I could attempt to do normal things this weekend.


I have also been battling the cold that never ends.  And with above stated immune issues, my attempts at a normal weekend were thwarted.

My dad knows how I feel about my appearance these days.  I have gained weight, I have the typical steroid “moon face”, and I stumble about like Frankenstein half the time.  Not appealing when you are a newlywed (or any time actually).  My husband is amazing, but I still feel very self conscious.  My dad paid for my to go to my favorite hair stylist, the one who turned me into the most beautiful bride just a few months ago, for a “tune up”.  I cut my hair shorter than I normally would have just to make it one less thing to worry about.  It’s amazing how something as simple as a new haircut and style (and a wax of the unibrow) can make one feel so much better.

After the haircut, my husband and I went “little shopping”, that usually means less than an hour and for the essentials.  We have had to cut way back on what we spend, and we are working on scrounging up money for next month’s rent.  So our shopping expenditures were curtailed to the bare essentials.

Those two errands, three to four hours out of the house, I was exhausted.  Come home and lay down and don’t move.

Yesterday, laundry day.  We all finally got to the point where we HAD to do laundry.  Meaning we were all out of clean clothes.  Ick.  So now ALL the laundry in the house is done.  It is just not folded.  As of right now it is sitting on a table in my room.  Piled up and awaiting my attention.  Shit.

And the inevitable children’s birthday party.  I firmly believe that all children’s birthday parties during football season should be held on a Saturday or not at all.  Which reminds me..

When I was pregnant, I was sternly reminded that if I went into labor on a Steeler Sunday, I could expect to wait until the game was over to find transport to the hospital.  This from my parents and my husband at the time.  I knew they were joking. But I happened to go into labor on a Steeler THURSDAY, verses Cleveland no less, and was told to push her out before kick off.  I complied and my room emptied by gametime.  I watched the game with the newest member of the Steeler nation bundled next to me.

So back to the children’s birthday party.  My daughter was invited and of course wanted to go.  It was here in our apartment complex so no problem.  But I know how I look.  There are a few moms in the complex that know I have health issues.  This family wasn’t one of them.  But I took her anyway.  And stayed 3 hours.  The walk there (up to the pool area) is maybe two blocks in distance.  I was having difficulty with it.  My daughter had a blast, and I socialized with the neighbors.

And when I got home, I completely crashed.  Lights out.  So glad my husband was here.  I was knocked out for 3 hours.

I woke up in pain.  Joints, especially elbows.  I’m not sure why the pain is getting worse, I just know that it is.  Especially in my hips, knees, elbows and fingers.  Sometimes it feels like someone is smashing me with a hammer.

I try not to take pain pills.  I start with Tylenol and if that doesn’t work I have Tramadol.  But rarely to I use that.  I also use non-medicinal methods for pain.  Biofreeze helps, especially the roll on version.  Heat.  Meditation.  I use distraction a lot to take my mind off the pain (I read 2-3 books per week).

Because I slept so much during the day, I couldn’t fall asleep last night.  Read until 4 am.  It was a good book too.

So now my sleep schedule is screwy.  I’m heading back to bed.

I am trying so hard to affect a normal life right now.  Its just difficult when I can’t predict what my body will do.  I can’t predict the pain, the exhaustion.  I am told to try and push my limits.  I do that and I end up past the point of exhaustion.

Today is another day.  I will try again.  First I need more sleep.


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