Baby fever

I know this may sound selfish to people who are struggling to have ONE child, and here I am blessed with a daughter of my own and a wonderful bonus child.

If I wasn’t sick, our plan was to start addressing our mutual fertility issues, since we are now a legally married couple.  Not that we would have minded if I would have gotten pregnant during the last three years we have been together.

We have not been using any method of birth control for the past 2 1/2 years and I have not gotten pregnant.  I guess that meets the criteria of infertility.

Since I have given birth to my daughter, I have had an IUD surgically removed from my uterus due to it becoming embedded.  That sucked.  My ex husband also left me with some parting gifts (the curable kind).  So my uterus is pretty well scarred.

My husband always thought that he couldn’t have children at all, due to several surgeries he  had to his nether regions as a child.  His unplanned arrival of his son while he was in college completely disproved that theory.

But our plan was to attempt to have a child together around this time in our life.  One that was part of both of us.  One that had nothing to do with our ex spouses.

Every time I think about my pregnancy with my daughter it immediately brings up painful memories.  Despite what my ex husband said, he clearly did not want a child.  I went as far as to mark the calendar with my fertile days and flat out told him ‘if we have sex on the red days, we are likely to conceive a child’.  And that is exactly what happened.

And I was alone most of my pregnancy.  I took my grandma to my sonogram.  My friends helped me pick out my baby registry items.  My mom took me to the hospital when I went into labor, he eventually showed up.  My mom stayed the first night in the hospital with me after my daughter was born.  And for most of my daughter’s life, before I left, I was a de facto single mother, although I was  married and he lived in the house.

My husband has bad memories of his ex wife’s pregnancy and first days of his son’s life.

I wanted a chance to experience what it is like to have a loving husband be excited about a pregnancy, to treat me the way a pregnant woman should be treated.  To go with me to all the appointments, to have late night talks about the life inside me.  And after the baby is born, to be an equal partner in raising a child.  Like it is now with my daughter.

My husband is amazing with my daughter.  He treats her like his own, as I do to his son.  My ex husband is currently MIA at the moment.  No contact in 3+ months.  My husband has stepped up, he is her dad.  They have a bond.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband who is a wonderful father.  I want to make more children with him.

It is unlikely that I can have more children.  I haven’t been told that outright by any doctor, but I just feel it in my soul.  The odds are stacked against it.  Given the fact that we have been not using anything for 2+ years and nothing happened is a sign that nothing is going to happen.  My health right now is kind of the focus.  I can’t have a child when I am taking chemotherapy.  I take a toxic soup of medications, each one of them I would have to stop taking months before even considering getting pregnant.  Hell, my body can’t handle going grocery shopping, how could it handle making another person? Sigh.

What brought this up??

All of my friends are in baby mode.  Granted, I had my child way before any of them were even married.  But some of them are on their first and second babies.  Everyone is pregnant.  My best friend texted me this morning and announced she is having a girl.  My cousin’s wife is pregnant with a girl, and I’m helping with the baby shower.  Baby is on the brain.

Even my daughter put her order in for a baby brother.  A week or so ago she said “Mommy, I want a baby brother so I can play with him”.  Her friend has a baby brother.  She refers to him as “Dom’s baby”, and not the baby’s actual name.  “Mama, Dom’s baby was crawling today!”.  Sigh.

But again, I look around and count my blessings.  I have a relatively healthy child (Sunshine is recovering well from her tonsillectomy, that’s another post).  She is intelligent, well-mannered, a joy to be around.  I have a wonderful bonus child.  He is considerate, polite, very smart.  We only get him three months out of the year.  I have a husband who loves me despite my issues, who is accepting of the fact that we might not be able to create our own children.

So I will share in my friend’s joy, wish them well, and be happy that my child can potty on her own, feeds herself, and sleeps through the night.


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