So I started back on the poison this past weekend. I was feeling pretty awful toward Wednesday of last week, so I didn’t have that almost normal feeling and then that sensation of being brought down by the methotrexate on Friday.
Mr. Yuk
I still felt the usual side effects, concrete in my limbs, inability to freely walk around, nausea. When I feel weighted down like that I feel so frustrated. I have the tendency to chant to myself “I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!”. I despise asking for help to get up from a position on the couch or bed. Or for asking my husband to help me get something to drink or a pillow or a blanket. He is always more than happy to help, he doesn’t guilt me, doesn’t make it seem like I am asking too much or that I’m lazy, he is wonderful. Its just that I feel helpless and dependent, and I do not like feeling that way.
So I try to plan my small trips from the bedroom to the living room as best I can, i.e. bringing what I need in one trip. And I live in a really small apartment (800-900 sq feet). I just don’t have the strength or dexterity to make multiple trips. So I try and bring my favorite pillow, water cup, phone, it’s charger, Kindle (if needed, it’s charger) and any pain medication I need all in one trip. Yeah, that works the morning after chemo.
Preparing food is fun too. Never thought I’d be so happy to have such a small kitchen. Not enough room to do serious damage if you can get from the stove to the sink to the fridge by barely turning around.
I do feel that I stumble around like Frankenstein. I am slow to get up, I am slow when I do get up, and my movements lack fluidity.
I should have actually dressed up this year..Bride of Frankenstein or zombie. No one would have noticed.
One thing I do regret in all of this is having to miss things I used to love because I can no longer do them. One event occurred this past weekend. My husband and I loved dressing up for Halloween and going out with the crazy masses to downtown Austin. With the fibro alone it was iffy, but I survived (one year in heels). This year, no way in hell. Not with the pain, fatigue and poison coursing through my veins. I doubt I will get to take my daughter Trick or Treating. My parents will get that honor. I would last half a block.
I do realize how lucky I am. It is just when I have recently taken the methotrexate it is hard for me to see positive because I feel so awful. I literally can’t move. But by tomorrow or Tuesday I’ll feel much better. And the cycle begins again next Friday. Or Saturday as we have another wedding to go to.
I like weddings. That’s positive.
