Resume your regularly scheduled poison…

So I started back on the poison this past weekend.  I was feeling pretty awful toward Wednesday of last week, so I didn’t have that almost normal feeling and then that sensation of being brought down by the methotrexate on Friday.

Mr. Yuk

I still felt the usual side effects, concrete in my limbs, inability to freely walk around, nausea. When I feel weighted down like that I feel so frustrated.  I have the tendency to chant to myself “I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!”.  I despise asking for help to get up from a position on the couch or bed.  Or for asking my husband to help me get something to drink or a pillow or a blanket.  He is always more than happy to help, he doesn’t guilt me, doesn’t make it seem like I am asking too much or that I’m lazy, he is wonderful.  Its just that I feel helpless and dependent, and I do not like feeling that way.

So I try to plan my small trips from the bedroom to the living room as best I can, i.e. bringing what I need in one trip.  And I live in a really small apartment (800-900 sq feet).  I just don’t have the strength or dexterity to make multiple trips.  So I try and bring my favorite pillow, water cup, phone, it’s charger, Kindle (if needed, it’s charger) and any pain medication I need all in one trip.  Yeah, that works the morning after chemo.

Preparing food is fun too.  Never thought I’d be so happy to have such a small kitchen.  Not enough room to do serious damage if you can get from the stove to the sink to the fridge by barely turning around.

 

I do feel that I stumble around like Frankenstein.  I am slow to get up, I am slow when I do get up, and my movements lack fluidity.

I should have actually dressed up this year..Bride of Frankenstein or zombie.  No one would have noticed.

One thing I do regret in all of this is having to miss things I used to love because I can no longer do them.  One event occurred this past weekend.  My husband and I loved dressing up for Halloween and going out with the crazy masses to downtown Austin.  With the fibro alone it was iffy, but I survived (one year in heels).  This year, no way in hell.  Not with the pain, fatigue and poison coursing through my veins.  I doubt I will get to take my daughter Trick or Treating.  My parents will get that honor.  I would last half a block.

I do realize how lucky I am.  It is just when I have recently taken the methotrexate it is hard for me to see positive because I feel so awful.  I literally can’t move.  But by tomorrow or Tuesday I’ll feel much better.  And the cycle begins again next Friday.  Or Saturday as we have another wedding to go to.

I like weddings.  That’s positive.

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