I am just exhausted right now.
Sunshine had a birthday. Complete with Mama making a visit to school to deliver cookies (I also got caught in a fire drill, that was pleasant). And clown birthday party. I. hate. clowns.
The clown was not my idea. Nor was the party due to my low funds. Sunshine has wonderful, wonderfully indulgent grandparents. And somehow a recent visit to the circus turned into a carnival theme for her birthday party.
Ok, the clown didn’t have on full makeup. So that made it better. And she was wonderful with the kids and did balloons and magic and Sunshine loved it. It was halfway through the party before one of my cousins pulled me aside and said “hey, does Sunshine have any female friends?” I hadn’t even noticed that until then, all the little boys had shown up. And yes, the little girls showed up later in the party. But it cracked me up. I’m happy that she is able to get along with both sexes. She just doesn’t care. A friend is a friend.
We finally put up the Christmas tree amid all of this party prep. And it’s only half decorated. By Sunshine. So all of the ornaments are at the bottom.
This will be the fourth Christmas for my husband and myself to spend together. Each year we spend Christmas Eve at my parents house and sleep over. They usually play “Santa” anyway, due to their vastly larger financial resources, and vastly larger living arrangements. Its easier to hide bigger gifts in a bigger space and no one has to drive around on Christmas Eve retrieving anything. And its also easier to assemble said items with two male brains than just one. And my dad has power tools.
On Christmas Eve we usually lounge around in Christmas pjs (yes, everyone…including my husband and my Dad) and watch Christmas movies. Usually comedies like National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. My mom is very welcoming to everyone, and when she learned a few years ago that a friend of ours had no family in the area to spend the holidays with, he was invited to the pj party. This year he is bringing his girlfriend.
Its easier to wake up at my parent’s place than to wake up, get dressed, and then go over. And its an easier cover story for Sunshine to say that I left a note for Santa at our place telling him where to leave her gifts. If she gets any at all! I think she just may get a little tiny lump of coal in her stocking as a little hint just like I did when I was her age.
Even though I have no money to shop with, and I’m still at a loss for any kind of presents for those closest to me, I’m in a better place than I thought I would be emotionally as this season wears on.
Yes, I am exhausted. The tiny bit that I do involve myself in truly takes a huge amount of energy from me. I slept for 15 hours straight after Sunshine’s party.
For the past few days, I have only checked my email a few times. I have been so exhausted, I haven’t had the energy to even write this blog or even post to Facebook.
Somethings have mildly improved. Sunshine has been approved for medicaid, I am still sending out documents to make it official, and we have been approved for some benefits to help with the severe financial situation we are in.
I still am awaiting short term disability. That hasn’t changed. But little bits of positive energy are coming through.
I don’t know if I’m learning to accept this fate, to accept these cycles of medication, climbing out from under its fog, and then having good days, but this week seems easier. I seemed to fight the medication fog of the methotrexate less. I didn’t feel this all encompassing need to try and “do things” while under the fog of the medication. I’m less than 24 hours out from my last dose, and yes, my usual dose was cut slightly (immune issues again) but I didn’t actually cry in my husband’s arms this time.
Small victories. I’ll take them.