Ahhh…the great balancing act. When you have a chronic illness, you have to accept a few things (well, a lot of things, actually). But one of them is that you are not “normal”. Your body does not work the way it used to, or the way it is supposed to. Things that other people can do without consequence, you cannot.
This is the dilemma I am struggling with today. I am feeling great today. A little tired as usual, the usual pain. But I don’t feel sick today.
I woke up, went to the bank, went to get my car inspected (finally) and then came home.
I rested for about an hour. I shoved some laundry in the washer. And then I went to the gym.
I did 10 minutes of stretching and 30 minutes of the stationary bike. At a brisk pace.
I wanted to do more. I felt I could do more. But I had to keep in mind that “I’m not normal” and that the usual muscle soreness and fatigue usually experienced after exercising is probably ten times worse in my body. I had to have a serious talk with myself to not “over do” it.
It goes something like this:
“You can do it. You have already done 30 minutes. What is another 30?”
“Hello? You have fibromyalgia and an autoimmune disease. And you have been sedentary for six months. You will pull a muscle or be unable to walk for the rest of the day. Be smart and stop at 30 minutes”
“But if I go a full hour, I can burn more calories and melt some of this steroid fat off my stomach (and thighs, and ass).”
“That won’t help you if you are stuck in the house for the next few days because you can’t walk. And remember there are Girl Scout cookies everywhere. The more you are out of the house, the less temptation you will have to devour $144 worth of cookies”
“But thin mints are sooooo good”.
“Oh yes they are, but they are a source of calories that really isn’t good for you right now”.
“But if I exercise more, I can eat more cookies”
“OMG. You are trying to LOSE weight. Not maintain the weight you have. DO NOT GORGE ON THE COOKIES!!”
“Grrr…I guess you are right. I’ll stop now”
Good thing the gym at my apartment complex is hardly used. I am usually in there by myself. No one has to witness my schizophrenic self talk.
I know I can’t change things overnight. I know that it will take time. That I have to build my endurance. I have to remember that exercise is different for me now due to the meds, due to the weight.
I know all of this, but it still is hard.
So I will watch myself. Watch the diet. I am using a free app on the kindle to track things. The numbers help, but the problem there is being entirely honest about what I eat. I was honest in the last two entries, so hopefully seeing the numbers over time will sink in.
Now to fight my urge to get into those thin mints….