Some people aren’t aware that intensely emotional situations can completely drain someone physically.
I learned from a wonderful doctor years and years ago that for me, there is a very limited amount of “emotional energy” in my tank. And that I can choose what situations to invest that emotional energy on.
This was prior to the fibro diagnosis, when I was relatively healthy (with only the migraines).
Since that time, this idea of emotional energy has proven true time and time again.
And today it was extremely prevalent.
I’m on E about now. Dealing with the emotional side of this never-ending illness, hearing my husband and my mom talk about me like I am a child, difficulty with Sunshine and her issues with her bio dad, all of this has just emptied the tank.
I have been reluctant to apply for disability. I know I will get denied the first one or two times based on my age and the nebulous nature of my condition. I know that I cannot do any sort of work right now that requires thinking, moving, or talking (because I sound out of it all the time). But I have been holding out hope that I will wake up tomorrow completely healthy. Or healthier.
That isn’t happening. In fact, its going the other way. But part of me doesn’t view myself as disabled.
I continue to look through want-ads, hoping to find a job that can accompany the limited hours I could work, the unpredictable nature of my symptoms, the brain fog from the meds and the exhaustion from all of it.
So far, no dice.
After a particularly emotional exchange with my mother, with the words “we will not help you anymore until you apply for disability” uttered, I launched an online application for disability.
Apparently doing even that from the comfort of my couch is kind of like a full time job.
I was finally persuaded to finish halfway through and save it for another day when Sunshine had a meltdown.
Sunshine’s sperm donor has elected to officially sever his ties with her. In a very nasty Facebook message, he said extremely vile things that only reinforced the reasons why I left him.
Although this is generally a positive thing, from my perspective, because he can no longer play yo-yo dad, Sunshine sees it completely different.
She just wants to know why he doesn’t want to talk to her. She thinks its her fault. She is grieving the IDEA of a father that she never had.
The child has only seen this man four times in four years. He has disappeared and reappeared in her life so often, only to disappear again. I think that when she says she misses him, she misses the IDEA of someone who helped create her and who is actively participating in her life.
We have had dozens of conversations with her reiterating that it is not her fault. That even though my husband didn’t make her, he loves her just as much as he loves his own child. My husband does special activities with her, Daddy-Daughter dances, taking her to the park. This week they have a Daddy-daughter day with the Girl Scouts. But for someone reason there is this hole inside of her.
It literally kills me to see the pain in her eyes. Literally makes me choke up. I have no idea how someone can just do this to their child. I am reasonably sure that he is mentally ill, and his recent behavior is evidence of that. But a kindergartner doesn’t understand that.
Her world is so small and sheltered. She has never had to endure anything this difficult in her young life. I am trying to give her the tools to express her emotions, but much of the time she just collapses into sobs.
I spent a good part of this afternoon just holding her in the rocking chair I used to rock her in when she was a baby.
Despite his treatment of her, I refuse to reduce myself to name-calling, to trashing him to her. In private, that is another matter. There will be a time when I can be candid about the reasons I left and my theories on why he is doing this, but not now.
I think that is what makes this so difficult. I spent so much time encouraging a relationship between them after I left because I believed I was doing the right thing. She was a toddler when I left and she has no recollection of ever living with him as a full time parent.
Physically all of this has had the cumulative effect of intense fatigue. I mean, the-limbs-are-very-heavy, difficult to do any sort of movement, forget about recalling your own name type of fatigue.
And I still have to do the chemo tomorrow night.
Any sort of positive thoughts, prayer, chanting, burning of candles is appreciated. I need all the help I can get right now..