Build-A-Bear and other devices of torture

Yesterday I went with Sunshine to her “Build-A-Bear” party for Girl Scouts.  I endured walking through the mall, going to Gattiland (its like Chuck E. Cheese without the annoying mouse) and attempting to socialize with the other moms.

I feel so out of place with this crowd.  Sunshine goes to Girl Scouts in the area where my parents live.  Its the same town, but my parent’s street has several million dollar homes on it (not theirs).  So the kids that are in Girl Scouts with Sunshine are wealthy.  And the moms rarely talk to me.

My mom is the one who usually does the Girl Scout stuff with Sunshine, but every once in awhile I have to take her to meetings or activities.

Most of these women have no clue what it is like to struggle.  The majority don’t work, they aren’t sick like me, their husbands make enough money so they don’t HAVE to work.  Must be nice.

But Sunshine had fun.  The party was funded with their cookie sales.  Sunshine sold over 100 boxes of cookies.

Sunshine made an all white kitty.  With pink high heels.  She named her “Sweet”.  Absolutely adorable.

I was horrified at the costs associated with making a teddy bear.  The girls earned enough that they could get a bear with one accessory or outfit.  But we had the option to buy more.  Which I couldn’t help with due to the whole “we might get evicted” thing.

There were girls that easily spent $100 dressing up their teddy bears.  I saw one “my little pony” stuffed animal that was decked out in rollerskates and a cape.  Seriously.

Although I feel bad that I can’t provide this for Sunshine, I’m glad that I am home with her everyday.  I couldn’t do that if I was working.

And she doesn’t notice the differences in finances.  She just knows that mommy is sick and because she is sick she can’t work and that when you work, you make money.

I hope when she grows up she remembers that you don’t have to have tons of money to be happy.  We do activities that are cheap or free.  We often take our own food because eating lunch or dinner out is very expensive.  We appreciate the times in which we are treated to activities we wouldn’t normally do or places we normally wouldn’t go because we know that without someone’s generosity (usually my mother’s) we probably wouldn’t be going anywhere.

Positive thinking:  Sunshine is learning that money isn’t the end all and be all.  She has a mom that is home with her instead of working her ass off trying to chase money.  She has a wonderful bonus daddy that is willing to put his dreams of becoming a nurse on hold so that he can get a full time job and take care of her mother.  She observes the way a healthy marriage operates every day of the week. I couldn’t buy this type of exposure for her.



Good Lord.  Can it get any worse?

Well, yes it can.  I’m just blowing off steam here.  But there is a new complication to this entire autoimmune disease odessey.

I started with SEVERE back pain on Monday.  Because I have fibromyalgia, I usually ignore most pain and chalk it up to fibro.

Well, this pain persisted.  Its on the left side and higher than my usual low back pain.  It kind of wraps around my hip.

This pain is alternating stabbing and dull pain.  And I can barely walk.

I have been eating Tramadol more than usual and the pain finally prompted me to see my primary care doc.

After finding blood in  my urine, the doc thinks it might be kidney related.


She wanted to do an ultrasound immedietly, but since I have no insurance, this would be cost prohibitive right now.

So she put me on a muscle relaxer and told me to take it with the Tramadol.

She said if the pain doesn’t subside by Tuesday, that I will probably need that ultrasound, regardless of cost.

I know from my merticulous reading on the subject, that if I do have a kidney stone, it might be definitive of sarcoidosis.

I took the muscle relaxer last night, along with Tramadol, my usual drug cocktail and my weekly methotrexate dosage.

I woke up with the pain again.

I’m scared.

Really scared.

I haven’t told my husband yet, but since it is a holiday weekend here in the states, I can’t do anything about it until Tuesday.

It will be a miracle if we can make rent this month.  We have begged family members to help in the past few months and they have been extremely generous, but they are weary of our requests.

My husband just completed training for a job that will hopefully be full time and provide benefits.  He’s planning to work two jobs this summer to get us on firm financial footing.

The end is in sight.  It’s just these final weeks that are so hard.  I’m seriously terrified about the money.  I do not want to get evicted, we do not have money to move, and the type of apartment we could move in to is in a bad area.

So I’m not to happy right now.  I’m in pain.  I have to make food for the picnic I’m going on with my friends this weekend.  I at least try to do normal things, even if I’m feeling like hell.

Positive thinking:  This kidney stuff may be how I get a definitive diagnosis.