Grieving when chronically ill

This week just gets better and better.

I have been ordered by my father to take down the gofundme site.  I’m 31, not 13.

Because of his anger surrounding this issue, he will not help me with plane tickets to attend my grandfather’s funeral.

My grandfather died suddenly yesterday.  Woke up with chest pain, made it to the ER.  A “triple A” — abdominal aortic aneurysm.  7 cm.

An aneurysm is a weakening of the blood vessel.  Ones in the aorta are particularly dangerous because of the high pressure the heart exerts to get the oxygenated blood to the rest of the body.

My grandfather’s burst early last afternoon.  They attempted emergency surgery, but it was no use.

He was 86, but a relatively healthy 86.  He was still walking the mall everyday.  He still golfed.  He was the main caregiver to my grandma who has severe Alzheimer’s disease.

I’m beyond upset.  Especially since my parents decided to share most of this information with me via text messages because of their anger toward me.

I got text messages like “they are massaging his heart right now”.  I would call for more details, and be yelled at.

They at least had the decency to call me and say “he’s gone” and then hang up on me.

This does not bode well for my health.  I spent most of last night and a good part of this morning crying.  Mainly for my daughter and my grandma.  

Sunshine was very close to him, despite the distance.

Not only am I grieving, but I was told that I’m a disappointment to my parents when I asked why they couldn’t financially help me with plane tickets.  

I know they can afford it.  Its just the principle of the thing for them.

How dare I look for support elsewhere?  They are ashamed of me.  I can’t “pick myself up by my bootstraps” and beat this thing.  I am not productive.  I need help from others just to survive.  I’m a failure.

It just sears me to the core that I will not be able to properly grieve with the rest of my family.  Have I had issues with them in the past?  Yes.  Have I forgiven most of them?  Maybe.

But the one thing in common is that we shared the love of my grandpa.  No matter what else was going on, the craziness of a dysfunctional family, he was always the constant.  He was the patriarch, the final word in all matters.  

He was fair, fiercely loyal to his family.  Loving, caring, funny.  His love for my grandma knows no bounds.  Their 64th wedding anniversary would be this coming Saturday.  

His goal was to keep her at home for the rest of her days.  To keep her out of a nursing facility.  He modified the house to suit her changing needs.  He found caregivers to come in and take care of her during the day.  He will be sorely, sorely missed.

All this grief comes on a very happy day for me.  It’s my first wedding anniversary.  

I know that wallowing too far down the sorrow hole will not be good for me.  I have talked to some of my friends who just listened to my sobs and my anger. That helps tremendously.  And my husband is always amazing.

I am taking the kids swimming today.  I’m going to enjoy this beautiful day and treasure the time with my kids and husband.

Not sure where this event will leave the relationship with my parents.  But right now, it is torn.  

Here is the “gofundme” site that has incurred my parent’s wrath:

Any amount of donation is greatly appreciated.  It keeps the lights on.  It keeps me from being evicted.  It keeps me in medication that keeps me from going blind.

Thank you for reading..