We won’t get fooled again…

Yes, I’m a classic rock fan…

I’m extremely angry, hurt, sad right now.  I moved in with my parents with reservations.  My mom is seemingly incapable of compassion and support on a regular basis.  My dad is fine, he’s quiet and usually doesn’t do well with hearing anything about my illness, but at least he’s consistent.

My mother on the other hand is just being cruel.  For awhile, she was very supportive “honey, do you need to rest? what can I do for you?” Today she just got vicious.

I have been flaring for the past two weeks.  Pain, fatigue, insomnia.  This isn’t a new phenomenon.  It has happened nearly every year since I was diagnosed in 2005.  When the weather changes, I get sick.  Usually with a combo of fibro symptoms and migraines.  This year is no different.

My mom is obviously unhappy.  She and my dad aren’t getting along, she hasn’t really dealt with my grandfather’s sudden death, she had a pretty traumatic trip up to Pittsburgh in August when she was visiting my grandma.  Threats were made, names were called.  It was awful.  But the difference between me and her is that I would have DEALT WITH IT.  She absolutely refuses to go to therapy.  Everyone else is the problem.  Everyone else is treating her poorly.  She’s fine.

It is pretty clear to me, as her daughter and as a medical professional, that she is experiencing depression.  She is sleeping a lot more, she is irritable, she is spending more time in front of the TV.  She is creating issues and problems and at least once a day throws some sort of hissy fit.

She is deliberately picking fights with me, I think in an effort to exercise some of her pent up emotions toward her family, my dad and with regards to her grief.  Yet, she always seems to make it about me.

According to her, I’m pulling out the “sick card”.  I’m using my illness to my advantage.  She knew this would happen.  Fuck, I KNEW this would happen.  But my back was to the wall.  She promised she would be supportive.  She told me that she understands and will make her best effort to help me.  Right.

Here is an excerpt from her latest text.  BTW, this latest argument is because I told her I can’t clean the bathroom today because I feel like shit, I offered to clean the bathroom tomorrow with the help of my husband (since the chemicals bother me) but she refused:

No, I’ve been fooled too many times to accept your solution. I understand your illness, just don’t honor it like the rest of the family and will call you on it just like you pull out the sick card when is suits you.

She continues:

I don’t think you realize how your illnesses have affected your family.  Hell no they aren’t going to say anything that will conflict with your statements of ill health, its easier to shut up and do it.  Me, not so much…your illness has become the center of your family life and I’m not sure if it is healthy for anybody.

Now, she is speaking for my husband again.  I have a very open and honest relationship with my husband.  Trust me, he is not afraid to share his opinions when it comes to my illness.  The fact that we are still together after four years and one extremely dire year of illness and upheaval speaks volumes as to the type of relationship we have.

I have adapted well over the past eight years.  I am raising a wonderful child who has also adapted to my illness.  Is it perfect?  No.  But I honestly feel that I am doing better than most.  And according to her therapist, Sunshine is extremely well adjusted and my illness is not having any more impact that normal on her development.  Keep in mind that I was diagnosed BEFORE her birth.  I knew she wouldn’t have a normal childhood.  But I wanted to bring her into the world anyway.

Just because things aren’t done to my mother’s specifications and done on her time schedule, it is a problem.  And to bring in my family life when she has no idea what she is talking about, that is just cruel.

I guess it hurts more because its my mom.  She is supposed to love me.  She is supposed to support me and have compassion for me.  It also hurts more because she has periods where she is so supportive.  Where she encourages me to rest, to conserve my energy.  Where she “understands” that I’m not feeling well and doesn’t expect me to jump when she says jump.  This about face is what really twists the knife.

So now, unless we give her more money, she won’t feed us.  We are “on our own”.  I paid up in the beginning of the month.  I have the cancelled checks.  Extortion.

So I will pick up Sunshine and will go to the park until my husband is off of work.  Then we will find dinner.

This makes me sick.  It makes me so very upset and angry and frustrated.  I’m trying my best.  I’m exercising, I’m eating better.  I’m taking my medications and following doctors orders.  I’m trying to strengthen my body so I can continue to work.  Other people see it, namely my dad and my husband.  Hell, even my friends see it.  But she just has to make an issue about something.  There can’t be one day without her having some sort of dramatic fit about something.  And it hurts.

I do want to clarify that we are pretty awesome house-guests.  Everyone does something.  I cook and do the dishes and my laundry.  So does my husband.  We aren’t noisy, we aren’t pigs.  Sunshine even picks up after herself.  My bathroom wasn’t spotless and she chose to make it an issue.  I understand that it is their house, their rules, but I expected a little bit of compassion and flexibility.

I won’t make that mistake again.

I will be back in therapy by the end of the November.

3 thoughts on “We won’t get fooled again…

  1. So sorry. 😦 I hope she gets the treatment she needs for the depression. She seems like such a good person, but the actions you’ve described sound like depression and also placing the anger/frustration/sadness on others. I hope things work out. I know you’ll do whatever you need to for your family. Hopefully things turn around.

  2. This is awful and so bad for your health. It is hard when someone you love can change so quickly and you don’t know what to expect. 😦 Does she say these things in person, or just through text?

    I don’t know if you were looking for suggestions or just to vent, but I want to share two thoughts I had. I am guessing phrasing is important when talking with your Mom.
    1) She may not be willing to admit she has depression, but would she be willing to go to parent-child counseling with you once you are under your husband’s insurance? I don’t know if it something you two have tried or not, but thought I’d throw it out there. Explain you want a positive relationship with her and it is clear there are areas you two could communicate better and you think a neutral, third party could help. With the right therapist, a lot could come to light for your Mom and it could help you two out. You could say you no longer wish to discuss your illness or her belief you manipulate people with your illness until you go to therapy together.
    2) If you don’t have this already… Could you say, just for the sake of everyone being on the same page and your parents not having to stress over asking you for money, and you not having to stress over what is owed, could a contract type thing be written out of how much you will pay each month, what you are paying for, and when it will be paid?

    • Thank you for the advice. We don’t have anything in writing…but we are starting to keep track of who pays what in a ledger. So that can help. I just have to keep in mind that she is never consistent.

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