Positive vibes

I’m not a particularly religious person.

I grew up Catholic, but I no longer believe in the basic teachings of that brand of Christianity.  The new pope has made me hopeful that I can one day return.

I consider myself more of a spiritual person.  My work with the dying as a nurse has cemented a belief in some higher power, some sort of afterlife.  Things that we can’t see with our human eyes.

On FB, I don’t ask for “prayers” for a difficult situation.  I ask for positive vibes to be sent in my direction.

And I need them now.

The living situation is unbearable.  I can’t do anything right.  I’m  a horrible mother.  I have to take the verbal abuse without question (she actually said these words to me).

My parents are splitting up.  My dad is just content to wait out the end of the lease.  Which is in March.

My mother seems hellbent on forcing some sort of conclusion before that time.

The everyday pokes, jabs, verbal sparring is taking a toll on my health.

Which only fuels her fury more.  I’m lazy.  My daughter is being forever harmed because she is seeing the effects of chronic illness first hand.

Just the way she provokes me is starting to trigger some really really bad things from my past.

So I lock myself in my room and cry.

I’m still mourning the loss of my relationship with my mom.  That essentially came to an end the day my grandfather died at the end of December 2011.  Her callousness, her lack of compassion for my family and especially my father showed me that she is not the person I thought she was.

I have processed that event, that realization in therapy.  It is just hard.  She’s my mom.

So I’m asking for positive vibes,  a prayer if you are so inclined.  I really need it.


5 thoughts on “Positive vibes

    • Nope. I was essentially independent before I got sick. When we moved in we were told we can stay until the end of the school year. I should have had everything in writing, but its my family. You are supposed to trust family, right? I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out a better way, but right now, we don’t have any sort of money to put down on an apartment, we don’t have the credit to even qualify for an apartment. Thank you for the positive vibes..

  1. I will be sending positive energy your way. Stress is hard on anyone, but it is especially hard on someone with a chronic illness. I know I get really ill from what I label as “toxic stress” and it sounds as though that is what you’re dealing with. I’m sorry you are mourning the loss of the mother you had/thought you had. It seems like maybe she’s projecting her own insecurities on to you with the whole saying you are a bad mother thing. I just wanted to say, from what I’ve read, you’re a wonderful mother! I hope Sunshine is handling all of this okay and is receiving help in processing it all.

  2. Thank you. I know I’m a good mother. My child is healthy, she’s smart, she’s happy (most of the time). I made the very difficult situation when Sunshine was 2 to leave a similar situation with my ex husband. It is just more hurtful because its my mom.

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