Sometimes I feel so alone.

In my illness, my life and my family.

I could be surrounded by people (like I am now) and still feel completely and utterly alone.

Yes, I have friends.  I have support of my husband.  But when my husband is mad about something that is out of my control at the moment (but essentially my doing) I feel like I’m an island in the middle of the south Pacific.  And with him working nights and sleeping most of my waking hours, it is like an acute pain.

I’m with Sunshine a lot.  I love being a mom, I love reading to her, doing things with her.  But she is six and doesn’t understand why Mommy is sad.  And I can’t (and probably never will) confide in her what goes on in my head.  No child should have to bear the burdens of their parents.  I know this well in my own relationship with my mother.

My friends.  Well, most of them are completely healthy.  They have no clue what it is like in my body.  Why I have to do the things that I do.  Why I can’t eat, drink or do certain things.  And they constantly try to fix everything.  I understand the gesture.  I do it myself often enough when friends confide in me.  But sometimes I know what I’m going to do, how I’m going to remedy something.  I just need to confide in someone.  To get these feelings out before they consume me.

My parents?  Forget about it.  I’m lazy.  I fuck up constantly.  I’m a disappointment.  I’m a failure as a mother.  They sometimes directly say this, but most of the time it is subtle actions and snide remarks.  Or my favorite, the silent treatment.

So right now I feel completely, utterly useless.  Alone.  And the emotional pain is too hard to bear sometimes.

I am seeing my therapist for the first time in over a year in the coming week.  I now have health insurance.

I know its depression.  But I’m trying to fight it.  To rise above it.  To go on and do things when I would much rather stay in bed all day and disappear into a book.

I’ll cry about it in the bathroom soon.  Then I’ll suck it up and go swimming with Sunshine.  I have a child to raise.



One thing that those who have never been “sick” can’t understand is the dependence on medications.

I have been on antidepressants since I was 16.  I have been on them all at one point or another.  Right now, its Zoloft.  It has been working, keeping me on even keel for the past two years.

With all that has been happening, my lack of health insurance, and lack of funds, I have been without it for the last week.

Part of me wants to be that “strong” person that my family wants me to me.  I hate being beholden to medications.  I hate the fact that I’m not “STRONG ENOUGH” to overcome my depression issues and be med free.  Every, single time I have tried to come off antidepressants, it has ended badly.  Why did I think I could succeed this time?

With my grandfather’s death and subsequent fallout over this site and my gofundme site (oh yes, Mommy and Daddy started reading this blog.  They are not pleased) I again tried to be “STRONG” and “PULL MYSELF UP BY THE BOOTSTRAPS” and white knuckle it off of Zoloft.

Yes, I know better.  But part of me wants to just try.  And it always ends badly.

So, I’m still dealing with my grief (which I haven’t really had a good cry about).  I have had stomach issues since Monday.  Muscle issues since yesterday.  Sleep is elusive, regardless of how much Benedryl I ingest. I am an irritable, irritable monster right now.  And I hate it.  It’s clear that I NEED to get back on this medication.

My concerns:  1) I haven’t seen the prescribing doctor in nearly a year.  They might not refill. 2) My PCP is also owed money.  She might not refill this med at all because she isn’t the original prescriber and because I owe her money 3) There is a waiting list to get into the local health clinic.  I  do not qualify for free care from this county (but if I moved 10 miles away, to Travis county, it would be no problem).

So, I just put the call in.  Waiting for a response.

I also haven’t heard back from my rheumatologist concerning Cellcept v. Plaquenil.

I called that office and was told that my rheumatologist wants to consult with my eye doc before making treatment decisions, which is understandable.  But he hasn’t called back yet.  It has been over a week.  I think he might actually be out of the country.

So I have that office calling the eye office back.  Jesus.  Its like a full time job where you pay someone else instead of getting paid.

It’s just a bad day today.  Rent is looming over my head.  My parents aren’t back yet from Pgh, but my mom is keeping me updated on how bad my grandma is taking it.

She has Alzheimer’s, and apparently she was sitting next to the casket at the funeral home, trying to wake up my grandpa.  She has a broken heart.

This news has done wonderful things for my mental state.

I’m sorry for another negative rant, but its really hard right now.  Its one thing to be just tired.  But to have diarrhea, nausea, muscle pain, irritability on top of the usual pain and tiredness, its unbearable.

Please, please consider donating to my gofundme site.  I never thought it would come to this, but I basically have no choice.

Thank you for reading.